Divergent, Divorced, Disabled - Doula.
The dreaded and taboo D words.
These titles carry some hefty weight and ignorance for those of us who walk around with them. Moving through the world as someone with even one of these circumstances is going to be a challenge. I hold all three of these titles with pride. Like trophies.
Divergence came first. Neurodivergence. ADHD probably was born with me, C-PTSD was environmental and I carried those two into adulthood. Growing up the child of addicts (who were most likely self medicating their undiagnosed neurodivergence) meant I was taboo before I even had the chance to choose it. Nobody openly talked about my situation, or asked if I was okay living in that environment.
Everyone was scared to face the reality of the situation. They did not know how to hold space for that truth for me. I can’t expect them to have had that ability, although I do wish someone had.
Next was Divorce. That D word people really hate. I would ask why people I loved and respected would advocate for me to stay in a marriage that was unsafe for me and my kids. It was a shock to the system every time I would proudly talk about my leaving the marriage and getting our own apartment and a job - that many reactions from people were painted with sympathy, pity, secondhand regret.
Finally I have entered the final boss battle of my taboo identities. Disability. I ignored back pain for two years through covid - and instead I worked holding babies as a postpartum doula for hours. Which I loved, and felt honored to do. After my third birth in 2021 my back pain became crippling. I was 31 and couldn’t lift my baby up. Diagnosis was the good D word - finally. The pain is Osteoarthritis. 32 years old and I have the body of a 65 year old it feels. Invisible disease that I am far too tired from the other D’s to explain to people when I have to reschedule a shift, can’t get to places on time because of my mobility.
These are also things people do not want to talk about. Pain, disability, the mental toll that comes with that. Is typically a lonely island for people until they find others who share the experiences and diagnosis.
We all have D words, we all have our things we feel people do not honor or hold space for in the way we wish they could.
YOUR TRUTH IS NOT SHAMEFUL, OR UGLY TO ME. YOUR TRUTH IS SOMETHING TO HONOR, HOLD SPACE FOR AND HAVE SUPPORT WITH INTEGRATING AND EMBODYING.
Give me all your taboo, all of your icky, dark, parenting trials that you think nobody will understand. Postpartum and Parenthood in general tends to compound all of our insecurities - which left unchecked, unacknowledged, can spiral into a feeling of emotional isolation and loss of identity.
Own your D words
My D words, my identities others are uncomfortable with. Are the ones that give me the deepest empathy, and the capacity for understanding my clients stories in a way other people shy away from.
When we illuminate the dark and hard paths of our lives - we illuminate that path for anyone walking after us.
Doula work is all about illuminating the hard paths. Making the paths of childbirth and postpartum more understood and easily navigated.
Doula work has taught me how to hold awareness and compassion for the raw and sometimes unpalatable parts of life. The parts society is largely too uncomfortable to confront head on in daily life. Doula’s don’t leave the birthing process when things get uncomfortable or hard. Doulas know we can do difficult things, and that being heard and respected during the difficult thing can significantly impact how we process the difficult thing, for example, during childbirth and even dying ( See: Death Doulas)
Doula work is all about respecting very human experiences and transitions. Validating what the person is feeling.
At this point in my career what I have learned is Doula support can be applied to all these taboo and socially unsupported experiences. Just as it is to birth, abortion and death. Things like processing a disability, having someone help you get paperwork in order and do physical therapy and remember to take your meds, and divorce, having someone who has deep understanding of how divorce and co parenting impacts our emotions, our minds, our social relationships. Divergent Doula Support could even be offered for someone having a down day with depression needing a shoulder, someone to tidy for them with no judgement and resources to telehealth providers. This is all standard stuff to offer to people as they become parents. I would love to be able to offer in depth doula support to anyone navigating these hard things.
Facing a hard thing? Reach out. Let’s find you the support you need, no matter what the hard thing is.
